Tag: bumpers crossroads

created, researched and composed
by Daniel Taylor
from a title by Thomas E Fuller
Correct as of 04/12/94
Subject to change
Authors should feel free to modify or contradict anything herein defined for the sake of a good story.

“BUMPERS CROSSROADS: two old fart vaudevillians sitting around telling jokes that Grover Cleveland used to laugh at, as a child.”
–Thomas E Fuller’s original concept, in its entirety

ORIGIN OF THE CONCEPT

BUMPERS CROSSROADS was conceived for the fictional Wolf radio network, as presented in the proposed daily radio serial DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL, created by Thomas E Fuller. It would be referred to, but probably never heard.

Wolf’s BUMPERS CROSSROADS was the show where talent went to die — the place from which no one, performer, writer, or producer, EVER made a comeback. You knew your show business career was over when they sent you to work on BUMPERS CROSSROADS.
I didn’t want to write that show, but I saw some Lake Wobegonian potential in the premise. As I write it, it is about equal parts Garrison Keillor and “Lum & Abner”, with a dash of “Northern Exposure” for flavor.

It is NOT about country bumpkins or “hicks”, and it does not make fun of rural life. It is about simpler life, and simpler times. It’s a community of good-hearted people, a community where everybody who lives there likes it the way it is. (If they didn’t, it would probably be a shopping mall by now.)

THE SHOW

Every episode begins with the crow of our familiar rooster, the opening strains of theme music and the following introduction:

“It’s time once again to take a little trip just a ways down the road, to America’s favorite little town, BUMPERS CROSSROADS, brought to you as always by Collins’ Best Coffee. When you need a pick-me-up, you need Collins’ Best. We’ll join our friends at BUMPERS CROSSROADS in just a moment.”

In a real sense, BUMPERS CROSSROADS retains the original concept of a “show within a show”. That is, the characters often step out of continuity to appear in the sponsor’s commercial messages, and in general seem to know that they are characters in a radio play. Some of the jokes they’re called upon to tell are SO bad that the only way to pull it off is with self-awareness. In fact, in one episode, one of the characters decides the jokes are TOO stupid and excuses himself from the exchange.
BUMPERS CROSSROADS is an easygoing little community where Nothing Much Ever Happens. (No, Jerry Seinfeld did not invent the concept of a Show About Nothing.) They don’t have big-city-1993-type problems there. They have the kind of problems that can be realistically wrapped up in a five-to-seven minute script.

Okay, that’s not quite true, that bit about Nothing Ever Happens. But it is the kind of show that lends itself to episodes in which Nothing Much Happens. It is very much character-driven. The question to ask when plotting an episode is not “what can happen to these guys?”, but “how would they react to…?” The characters have distinct personalities, and the best stories are those in which it’s not possible to swap anybody’s lines for anybody else’s.

OFF-STAGE “REALITY”

BUMPERS CROSSROADS started circa 1965 as a traditional family-based situation comedy, feauring Fred and Sharon Bumper, their children, and storekeeper “Woody” Woodrow as one of several supporting characters.[1] At the time, “Bumper’s” still had the apostrophe it should correctly have, and “Crossroads” wasn’t meant literally, but as a synonym for “turning point” (or, occasionally, “crisis”).[2] It was a not-so-subtle knock-off of “Fibber McGee and Molly”, all the way down to the overcrowded hall closet. Sharon’s diary was a recurring storytelling device from the beginning. (Although the Bumpers’ street address has never been used, it might be nice if it were 72 Wistful Vista, the McGees’ old address.) (That is, 72 Wistful Vista, Autumn Falls.)

Woody essentially stole the show over the course of the first few years. Woody and Helen were married on-stage in the second season. As Sharon Bumper grew older and weaker, the other characters — and especially Woody — were given more to do. The show came to be less “Fibber McGee” and more “Lum & Abner”. By the time Sharon died in 1987, Woody had become the second lead. As Grandpa has gotten older and less active, Woody has assumed a central role in the show. (Sort of like a show called “Amos and Andy” came to be ABOUT a character named “Kingfish”.) But the show has such a following that nobody wants to bother renaming it. Today, the action (if that’s the right word) rarely wanders far from the front porch of the local general store.

There is a substantial, deliberate blurring of the lines between “show continuity” and “off-stage reality”. Either these people have little-to-no offstage life, or they REALLY ARE the people we meet on the air every week.

THE CHARACTERS:

Our Regulars

A reminder: Most of these characters are older people. I am striving to include younger characters, but the existing regulars are so rich that I’m having trouble finding much reason for more. Still, remember a few key points:

They are old, but not decrepit. Rural life is hard work, and tends to help one live a long and healthy life. Helen Woodrow, in particular, the youngest person in her generation at 49, is still a vibrant, sensual woman. And Woody is not too old to respond to it. Do not make the mistake of thinking of ANY of these people as Just Old Farts.

They are adults. They have children. That means they have sex lives, and are not shocked at the very mention of the subject. They are rural, not anal-retentive. The subject will not often arise, though, because it’s the kind of thing they only talk about with their most intimate friends. Helen and Grandpa talk about it in “Grandma’s Diary”, for example, because Sharon and Helen were extremely close friends, despite the disparity in their ages — which means Helen is Grandpa’s last link to Sharon AS AN ADULT. (Their kids remember their mother, of course, but it’s not the same thing.)

• WOODY WOODROW, 58

The general store is WOODROW’S MERCANTILE, run by “WOODY” WOODROW. (We’ve never heard Woody’s real first name. It’s not a running gag — It’s just never come up.) Woody is the lead character, if there is one. His is the strongest presence, and generally if anything really gets done, it’s because it was Woody’s idea to do it. He is a cantankerous older man, given to saying what he thinks.
His trademark line is “I reckon…”. It can be used as “I reckon so.”, or anywhere you might otherwise use “I think”. In addition, he usually (but not always) gets to prompt Grandpa’s trademark line by saying, “Nice day.”

Woody has a wife, HELEN (see below), and two children, both girls. They are of college age, and usually gone.

• FRED “GRANDPA” BUMPER, 62

We usually find Woody spending the day sitting on the front porch of the Mercantile, in the company of GRANDPA. (Grandpa’s real name is FRED BUMPER, but only Woody calls him by name. Most folks just call him Grandpa, whether or not they are related to him, or in what way.) Grandpa is sensible, but sedentary. He rarely initiates any action. He and Woody have known each other most of their lives, which may explain why two such disparate personalities get along so well.
Grandpa is THE Bumper whose Crossroads these are. He owns most of the undeveloped land in the area, mostly to the South side of town, and the hills are probably crawling with his relatives. There is still an active Bumper farm, somewhere, worked by one or more of Grandpa’s children, but Grandpa is well enough off that it is almost a hobby. GrandMA is long enough gone that she is but infrequently mentioned. Fred and Sharon were married in 1950, and had 37 happy years together before Sharon died in 1987.

Grandpa is ALWAYS the person who delivers the line “(Sure) could use some (or “a little”) rain, though.” No one else ever says it unless Grandpa is unable to deliver the line.[3] The show usually either opens or closes, and sometimes both, with the exchange “Nice day” “Yep. Could use a little rain, though.” (Rain should be an extremely rare event onstage. But Grandpa is a retired gentleman farmer, and as such is never really satisfied with the weather. If it isn’t raining, it should be. If it IS raining, he’s afraid they may get too much.)

• LUKE (WELL, WHAT IS LUKE’S LAST NAME, ANYWAY?), 22

LUKE is Grandpa’s grandson, but NOT Rose’s son. His is an odd perspective, for he is the only one of the three lead characters with any real curiosity about what life is like away from Bumpers Crossroads. He is the only recurring character who calls Woody “Mr Woodrow”, though there is no good reason why he should. He is capable of drawing Woody and Grandpa into dream sequences, although the characters are almost always aware that they ARE dream sequences. He is not as stupid as he sometimes seems, but he lives in a world all his own. He is all there, but his “there” is not our “here”. His signature line is the delayed “Oh” of recognition or understanding, states of mind that usually come late for Luke.

We have not yet met Luke’s parents, or established his last name — that is, we don’t know if his mother or his father was Grandpa’s child, or indeed where his parents are or what they do. I’ve been assuming they’re on the Bumper family farm. Luke lives in a house with a badly-kept yard full of old cars in varying states of repair.

On those infrequent occasions when neither Woody nor Helen are in the store, Luke minds the store.

• HELEN WOODROW, 56

Woody’s wife, HELEN, often helps cover the store while Woody is sitting out front with Grandpa — or out fishing. Helen is capable of giving as good as she gets from Woody, but rarely sees reason to. She is Woody’s female half — it’s easy to see they’re a good match. She’s one of the few characters capable of shutting Woody up.

Helen looks younger than her age — so much so that Woody is occasionally jokingly accused of “cradle-robbing”. But Helen is in fine shape for a woman her age in more than one sense — she throws a mean left hook. We don’t often have reason to see this, but when she gets riled, look out.

• MARY TURNER, 54

The Diner across the parking lot is owned and run by MARY TURNER. She and Grandpa are sweet on each other, and a good match, though possibly neither she nor Grandpa realize that last. She does not normally draw attention to herself, but she’s not above speaking out if she feels the need. In one episode, she plays a prank on Woody to pay him back for his playful griping about her food.
Mary feels a rivalry with ANNETTE’S, a restaurant down the road in Red Whistle. There is really very little difference in the actual menu. However, “Annette’s” styles itself rather more pretentious and sophisticated (it serves “brunch”, while Mary closes between breakfast and lunch). (Annette’s is run by Annie Crawford, an old “friend” of Mary’s.)

• ROSE SHARON BUMPER, 25

When the series began, Grandpa’s daughter ROSE was, as they say, not yet a gleam in her father’s eye. Born three years into the series, today she works for Mary, waiting tables and other duties as needed. Like many parents, Grandpa has trouble remembering his children’s names. Grandpa’s forgetting Rose’s name IS a running gag. However, Grandpa does this mostly because it gets a rise out of Rose. He pretends to forget it more often than he genuinely does forget. Rose is named after her mother, about whom more later.

SEMI-REGULAR CHARACTERS

DICK CROON is the patriarch of the Croon family, the first family of nearby Autumn Falls. (As featured in the hitherto-unseen companion radio series “Croon’s Mountain”.) He is as like Grandpa as two peas in a pod. The Bumper and Croon families have been feuding for so long that nobody but Grandpa and Dick Croon remember why. Grandpa and Dick get together periodically, in secret, to discuss the sad state of affairs and talk over old times like the old friends they are — THEY get along fine, it’s the REST of their families that insist on perpetuating this feud. (Croon should be treated like a “guest star” when he appears, as he is the “Grandpa” of a different radio series making a rare crossover appearance. The Bumper-Croon feud is actually a device to keep crossovers rare.)

GEORGE MASON is the senior mechanic at the local service station, Arrow Oil. He knows more about cars than the people who build ’em. Unfortunately, George is getting on up there (he’s about Grandpa’s age), and he can’t see well enough to do much of the work any more. But, wouldn’t you know, he finally convinced himself to take an assistant/apprentice, and who should apply but the lissome ANDREA “RAY” CARPENTER. Yes, George was uncomfortable with a woman mechanic in the repair bay, but when she managed to breathe life into an engine he’d thought was dead, he learned to respect her native talent. Since Ray wears the traditional baggy mechanic’s coveralls with “Ray” on the pocket while on duty, many transients never know. (It’d be hard to mistake her for a man in what she wears OFF duty, though. She’s businesslike enough about her work, but coquettish enough to enjoy the reaction she gets in street clothes, and take it as a compliment.) But darned if the cars hereabouts don’t run good. (Luke becomes a regular customer, what with all those “classic automobiles” in his yard. He could fix ’em himself, but it’s more fun to watch Ray work. And Luke may be good, but Ray is better.)

CHARACTERS ONLY VAGUELY DEFINED AS YET

• MAN (TOM), a real estate developer.
• WOMAN, Tom’s wife.
• A VISITOR with a bit of car trouble.
• BERT, a local resident.
• DAVE, a local resident.
• A BUS DRIVER from St Meridian.
• A JAPANESE TOURIST who speaks excellent English.

CHARACTERS MENTIONED BUT NOT SEEN

In the conclusion of Blues For Johnny Raven, Miss GLORIA KINSOLVING is told to find another track of programming and bury herself deep. There is no better place to hide than offstage at Bumpers Crossroads. She is a reclusive woman “recently” moved into a home with a sizable yard out on Red Whistle Road. (She’s been there for as long as the series has been on: However, this being a small community with long memories, no matter how long she’s been there, she’ll be thought of as having “recently” moved in.) She has been mentioned twice, and I hope to have her spoken of from time to time, but I have no plans to include her as a speaking character. She’s more a mechanism to tie the “Don’t Touch That Dial” universe together than a necessary character. She can do anything the plot demands of her except actually appear on-mike.

Others include:

THE GIRLS, who go on a day shopping trip with Helen. It’s not specifically stated in the script, but they are Woody’s and Helen’s college-age daughters. (What the heck, let’s name ’em. JANET is 21 (b 1972), and ELIZABETH “LIBBY” is 19 (b 1974).) They return to Bumpers Crossroads infrequently. Luke might have a crush on Libby, to Woody’s horror. (I was hoping for a sentimental “packing the youngest daughter off to college” story, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.)

THAT LOOMIS GIRL, who got married and moved to Autumly to open a yogurt stand. Loomis is undoubtedly her maiden name. I think she may have married one of those dad-ratted Croons.

JACK KELLY, who enters the local “Lawn Of The Month Club” contest by having his lawn re-turfed.

RUTH, the primary cook at Mary’s Diner.

ROSE OF SHARON WILKES BUMPER, b 1933, m 1952, d 1987; It may seem macabre to include her, but now that her diary has resurfaced, she can return as a voiceover or flashback character whenever convenient, by the simple expedient of reading from the diary. (By the way, “Rose Of Sharon” was not an uncommon girls’ name in the early part of the century. Most people just called her “Sharon”.)

CHARACTERS IN WAITING

KAREN MILLER (name subject to change) is a lovely young college student from New Albion State College. (Before you ask: No, it didn’t exist in 1938. I figure it was built on the ruins of what used to be the Upstate Girls Academy, which did not survive Mary Margaret’s leaving. Wait a minute — wrong bible.) She is canvassing the area attempting to confirm reports of UFO sightings. Much to Woody’s and Grandpa’s surprise, Luke confesses that he is an abductee. (It develops that, in the interests of keeping the young lady’s attention for as long as possible, Luke is not telling the entire truth about this situation. That is, he didn’t tell her he KNEW he was dreaming at the time.)

The only policeman they regularly see is CAPTAIN DALE PARMENTIER (that’s Par-men-TIAY) of the State Patrol, stationed in Red Whistle, who lives on Autumnly Road just the other side of the Crossroads. (Since Luke watches Nick at Nite, he invariably addresses him as “Captain Parmenter” [that’s PAR-men-ter]. Parmentier takes it in good humor, but clearly is tired of it.)

TOPOGRAPHY

BUMPERS CROSSROADS is a little community far off the beaten path. It consists — so far as we have seen to date — of a general store and a diner. There is a gas station as well.

As with Ralph’s Pretty Good Grocery in Lake Wobegon, if you can’t find it at WOODROW’S MERCANTILE, you can probably get along without it. The Mercantile is the kind of old-fashioned general store that Cracker Barrel restaurants are intended to resemble. It is a large woodframe building with a covered front porch, on which sit several rocking chairs. (In which we usually find Woody and Grandpa.) There is an old, yet functional soft drink cooler on the porch, of the chest type that used to be common. One side of the building also bears a painted advertisement for the same soft drink. There is a single antique Pure Oil gas pump out front — it does not work, but the town has grown attached to it and they won’t let Woody remove it.

MARY’S DINER shares a gravel parking lot with the Mercantile. Both buildings are set back from the main road at an angle. The neon sign in front of the diner is broken — the R and Y in Mary’s name are missing. At night, then, the sign says MA’S DINER. Since the diner is rarely open after dark, this hasn’t been a problem. Occasionally somebody thinks it might be funny to call Mary “Ma Turner”. Mary doesn’t think so. There is no finer food between Red Whistle and St Meridian.

The ARROW GAS STATION is across Autumly Road from the Diner and Mercantile. Because of the angle of the road and the placement of the buildings, it’s not visible from the Mercantile’s front porch. The mechanics, GEORGE MASON and ANDREA “RAY” CARPENTER (unmentioned so far) works six days a week.

GEOGRAPHY AND POLITICS

BUMPERS CROSSROADS is not a town per se. It has no city limits, nor Mayor (though Woody is sometimes referred to as the Mayor, usually when something needs fixing), nor city council (though if Woody is the Mayor, Grandpa is the city council) nor chamber of commerce (unless you count Mary and George).

It is, as the name implies, a crossroads, and the actual roads that cross are State Route 42 and Croons Ferry Road/Red Whistle Road. Route 42 runs approximately North-South, and is also known as Autumnly Road, since that’s where the road goes. The Bumper family lives mostly to the South, where Grandpa owns most of the nearby undeveloped woodland. The Mercantile and Diner face approximately south. The East-West cross road is known as Croons Ferry to the East, and Red Whistle Road to the West.

Its only legal existence is as a neighborhood of nearby AUTUMN FALLS, which IS a town, though “downtown” is no bigger than Bumpers Crossroads. Residents of Bumpers Crossroads do not consider themselves living in Autumn Falls, due to an age-old feud between the Bumpers and Autumn Falls’ first family, the Croons. The city of Autumn Falls is on Autumnly Road, between the Crossroads and Autumnly.

The actual falls themselves are in the hills to the south of Bumpers Crossroads, as are numerous other streams and creeks, among them IVY CREEK and CUDDY’S CREEK, two of Woody’s and Grandpa’s favorite fishing spots.

A fair number of people who live in the area work in AUTUMNLY, the county seat. (I haven’t named the county yet.) Autumnly is a little town of about 6,000, with the county courthouse on the town square, ringed by shops. The nearest dentist, for instance, is the one in Autumly. There is an Autumnly exit off Interstate Highway 45 at Route 42, but it hasn’t done much to bring traffic in: If anything, traffic that otherwise would have gone through town on Route 42 now travels I-45 instead. (This interstate number is subject to change: I don’t want to imply anything about where this place is supposed to be.)

The nearest town of any real size is RED WHISTLE, in the neighboring county. It is around 30-40,000, large enough to support a small mall. The Crossroads/Falls area has thus far avoided unpleasant commercial development by diverting it to Red Whistle, which does want it. Doubtless they are trying to live down their name.

About an hour to an hour-and-a-half away to the East-North-East is the major city of ST MERIDIAN, amply documented in the “bible” for THE CRIMSON HAWK. Except that THAT is 1939, and THIS is now. It doesn’t matter — we’ll never go there. Heck, we’ll probably never get out of sight of the Merchantile’s front porch.

(Logically, this also means that the upstate city of NEW ALBION, home of the Vixen’s private school, can’t be more than two or three hours away at most. It could be as close as Red Whistle, if there is any need for it.)

THE SPONSOR

Bumpers Crossroads’ original and only sponsor, throughout the years, has been COLLINS’ BEST COFFEE. (The pronunciation is intentionally incorrect. There should be a possessive in there somewhere, but there isn’t.)

Collins’ Best always includes the following boilerplate copy, or as much of it as possible, in each commercial:

“That special concentrated blend gives you more of what you drink coffee for. It’s so full and rich that it virtually picks you up and throws you out the door!”; “When you need a pick-me-up, you need Collins’ Best.”; “That’s Collins Best Coffee: It perks you…UP!”

Commercials bear more than a passing resemblance to a pusher selling drugs. When a character asks “Try some?” I’m hoping the only sensible response is “hell, no”.

If it helps, try to imagine what coffee commercials sound like to someone who does not drink coffee. (Or, perhaps a better example, what beer commercials sound like to someone who does not drink beer.) If you don’t already consume the product, some of the things they tout as positive selling points look negative. The feel I’m hoping for is that, even if it DOES have negative effects, the ad agency obviously feels they are minor, unimportant, or worth putting up with for the positive benefits of the product.

The Collins Best product line has expanded to include: an industrial strength coffee pot; tea; hot cocoa; instant coffee (in the form of an effervescent tablet); laundry detergent (leaves your clothes sparkling white — no matter what color they were when you put them in the wash). However, the primary emphasis should always be the coffee. Expand the product line juduciously, only when a sterling opportunity arises.

The commercials do not necessarily present the Collins products in the most positive possible light. To put it mildly. This distressed the Collins people at first, but as the audiences grew fonder of the self-depreciating style of the Collins Best commercials, the Collins management put aside its misgivings. (This was not uncommon in radio programs of the time.) Every now and then, though, they decide some other advertising agency might be able to present their product in the wholly positive light they’d really like to see. This is how Uncle Jimmie Piper came to be their sometime spokesman (see below).

• EZEKIEL COLLINS

Ezekiel Collins is the founder and president emeritus of the Collins Coffee Company. He is the man who developed their signature coffee and its “special blend”, a carefully kept trade secret.

Collins is over ninety years old. The only thing that keeps him going is the jolt of energy he gets from his daily cup of Collins’ Best. If he hadn’t been drinking it all along, it would probably kill him. As is, I figure he needs it to stay alive.
He likes to go on the air occasionally and do his own commercials, but he never gets through the spot without losing his place or going off on some tangent. He rarely gets the name of the show right: “Bumstead’s Crosswinds” or “Bungler’s Crossbow”, or something like that.
His doddering delivery leaves one with the feeling that he could expire at any time — sometimes, with the feeling that he HAS expired in mid-pitch. Thomas Collins is the current CEO of CCC, but Ezekiel is always popping up and making decisions behind his back.

• UNCLE JIMMIE PIPER

Recently, Jerry Page has made an important new contribution to the Bumpers Crossroads saga: The show that BUMPERS CROSSROADS replaced when it premiered in 1971.
In those days, sponsors essentially programmed the broadcast networks. They bought time in quarter-hour, half-hour or hour blocks, and decided what show would air under their name. For twenty-one years, 1950-1971, the show that Collins’ Best Coffee sponsored was UNCLE JIMMIE PIPER AND ALL THE HAPPY LITTLE PIPERS (“Happy Pipers” for short). For unspecified reasons, the Collins people became disenchanted with the Happy Pipers and developed the BUMPERS show as a sometime feature within the Happy Pipers show starting in 1965. In 1971, Uncle Jimmie Piper signed off for the last time, and BUMPERS CROSSROADS began.

Lately, Collins’ new advertising agency has brought back Uncle Jimmie Piper to do commercial endorsements. This was done at Collins Sr’s request, having forgotten that he fired Piper in the first place for having paid undue attention to Collins’ then-wife.

Details regarding Uncle Jimmie Piper are subject to negotiation with Mr Page. In general, Jimmie Piper can be thought of as his generation’s Arthur Godfrey. He is a man with no discernable performing talent, but with two special gifts: He sounds friendly and folksy on the radio; and he is a flatterer par excellence. His voice is timeless — he sounds no older now than he did thirty years ago. He is a master of ceremonies by trade.

Piper is angling to take over the ANNOUNCER’s job, and is using his considerable skill at ingratiation to this end. Although most of the cast — the MALE cast — thinks fondly of him, Helen Woodrow is immune to his charms; she remembers “Three Hands” Piper from way back. The ANNOUNCER considers him a harmless eccentric who can’t read scripts as written; he does not realize Piper is after his job.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE (with original, traditional casting)

Regulars:

• “WOODY” WOODROW, owner of Woodrow’s Merchantile [Thomas Fuller]
• FRED “GRANDPA” BUMPER, retired gentleman farmer [Daniel Kiernan]
• LUKE, Grandpa’s grandson [Al Leonard]

Recurring characters:

• HELEN WOODROW, Woody’s wife [Fiona Leonard]
• ROSE, Grandpa’s daughter [Clair Whitworth]
• MARY TURNER, owner-manager of the Diner [Joyce Leigh / Trudy Leonard]

Featured players:

• DICK CROON, patriarch of the Croon family [Doug Kaye]
• GEORGE MASON, owner of Arrow Oil Station [Bill Jackson]
• ANDREA “RAE” CARPENTER, apprentice mechanic [Trudy Leonard]

Others:

• WOMAN from out of town, developer’s wife [Wendy Webb]
• MAN from out of town, “Tom”, the Developer [Daniel Kiernan]
• “GEORGE JETSON” [Ron Butler]
• a VISITOR with a bit of car trouble [Trudy Leonard]
• BERT, local resident [Jerry Page]
• DAVE, local resident [Ron Butler]
• BUS DRIVER from St Meridian [Vic Lambert]
• JAPANESE TOURIST who speaks excellent English [Clair Whitworth]

Mentioned but not seen:

• ROBERT GOULET
• “THE GIRLS”, probably Woody’s daughters
• “The LOOMIS GIRL”, who got married and moved to Autumly
• MISS (GLORIA) KINSOLVING, refugee from another audio track
• JACK KELLY, who likes to resod his lawn to enter the Lawn Of The Month contest
• RUTH, Mary’s chief cook
• SHARON BUMPER, Grandpa’s wife (deceased)

DRAMATIS PERSONAE, COLLINS BEST:

• EZEKIEL COLLINS, founder of the Collins Coffee Company [Doug Kaye]
• UNCLE JIMMIE PIPER, of the Happy Little Pipers [Jerry Page]
• The Collins’ Best HUSBAND [Ron Butler]
• The Collins’ Best WIFE [Caran Wilbanks, Fiona Leonard]
• The Collins’ Best BOSS [Bill Jackson, Daniel Kiernan]
• The Collins’ Best Supervisor, CRATCHIT [Jerry Page]
• The Collins’ Best Secretary, MARIA [Joyce Leigh]
• “FIONA” [Fiona Leonard]
• THOMAS COLLINS, Chairman/CEO, Collins Coffee Company [Tom Fuller]
• DWEEBISH, the everyman [Daniel Kiernan]

And, of course, defying categorization is the all-knowing, ubiquitous ANNOUNCER, who transcends the arbitrary bounds of “on-stage” and “off-stage”, interacting freely with BUMPERS and COLLINS people alike. [William Brown]

BUMPERS CROSSROADS TIMELINE (Tentative)

1901 Ezekiel Collins born
1925 Jimmie Piper born
1928 AMOS N ANDY premieres
1931 Fred Bumper born
1932-1937 STOOPNAGEL AND BUDD
mid 30s JACK BENNY, FRED ALLEN
1933 Sharon Bumper born
1933 Ezekiel Collins discovers formula for Collins’ Best Coffee
1935 Woody Woodrow born
1937 Helen Woodrow born
1939 Mary Turner born
1950 UNCLE JIMMIE PIPER AND ALL THE HAPPY LITTLE PIPERS premieres on Wolf Broadcasting Network, sponsored by Collins’ Best Coffee
1952 Fred & Sharon Bumper married
1954 The first Bumper child is born
1965 “Bumper’s Crossroads”, a situation comedy featuring the Bumper family, premieres as an occasional feature of the HAPPY PIPERS show
1966 Woody & Helen Woodrow married on the air to attract attention to the show and boost ratings (What the hell. It worked for Tiny Tim.)
1968 Rose Bumper born
1971 THE HAPPY PIPERS signs off when Collins withdraws sponsorship; the next week…
1971 BUMPER’S CROSSROADS, a situation comedy featuring the Bumper family, premieres on Wolf Broadcasting Network, sponsored by Collins’ Best Coffee. Later that year…
1971 Fred’s first grandchild, Luke, is born (It worked for Lucille Ball.)
1972 The first Woodrow daughter is born
1974 The second Woodrow daughter is born
1985 BUMPERS CROSSROADS as we know it today — the central focus moves permanently from the Bumper home to the front porch of Woodrow’s Mercantile
1987 Sharon Bumper died
1993 today: Sixtieth anniversary of Collins’ Best Coffee
1995 Thirtieth anniversary of BUMPERS CROSSROADS
[1]This is, I guess, in an alternate reality where radio entertainment programming was not decimated by the arrival of television. This is the same presumption that most of the current ARTC program makes.
[2]If we’ve got a good enough idea, we can always do a “flashback” episode to those halcyon days, or “re-present a Classic Episode from The Past”.
[3]All rules were meant to be broken, though. In episode two, Woody gets to say it, for probably the only time.